No, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference. Monologue, 19 February 2007 (U.S. Presidents Day)

The Republicans are calling [this] a Wizard of Oz ticket... Cheney needs a heart, Bush needs a brain. On the Republican presidential candidates.

He's described as the architect of the war on Iraq. And he should be very proud, because he's built something that's going to last for years and years.

French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.

And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to be legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.

A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. […] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time. Monologue, May 12, 2006