No, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference. Monologue, 19 February 2007 (U.S. Presidents Day)

You're not famous until my mother knows about it.

The Republicans are calling [this] a Wizard of Oz ticket... Cheney needs a heart, Bush needs a brain. On the Republican presidential candidates.

He's described as the architect of the war on Iraq. And he should be very proud, because he's built something that's going to last for years and years.

French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.

Afterwards, President Bush said, "Maliki is the right man for the job." Just to remind you, Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld was the right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job… which would be okay if Bush was the right man for the job. On the 30 November 2006 "breakfast summit" with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki

And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to be legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.

A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. […] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time. Monologue, May 12, 2006

How many watched the President's speech last night?
[half-hearted audience applause]
How many watched American Idol?
[thundering applause]
Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve. Monologue, February 1, 2006

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. ... They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years

So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh— meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?". Monologue, April 19, 2006