Scientists announced this week that a diet high in soy beans and high in soy sauce may reduce fertility in men. Which finally explains China's dreadfully low population.

I gotta hire someone to have a real fight on my behalf, so I can have manly stories. All mine involve trips to the Botanical Gardens gone horribly awry... A daisy hit me!

It's your first month at college and you haven't made any friends. Well, learn from my experience. You won't. Ever. You'll walk the earth a sad, lonely, red-headed freak. Then one day, inexplicably, you'll be given a TV show. Then people will have to talk to you. So hang in there.

When all else fails, there's always delusion.

I'm not comfortable with my own body. I shower with my clothes on.

I tried that once, but I was kicked out of Denny's. After Uma Thurman tells him that she sometimes eats in the nude.

The other day, President Bush met with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. It was an awkward moment when Bush asked him, "When's the next season of Sopranos coming out?"

Earlier today, Mexico's top court proclaimed Felipe Calderon as the new president-elect. Court officials contacted Calderon this morning at his home in Phoenix, Arizona.

George Michael, in a bit of trouble this week, yes - he is a bit of a rainbow rebel if you will.

In Cambodia, a woman tried to cut off her husband's penis and he ended up receiving 25 stitches. Not surprisingly, the man told his buddies he needed 50 stitches.

"I'm sensitive in the eyeball". Does that line work with the ladies?

My job is to be booed by the people of America; it's in my contract.

Actually, they're sea lions; the difference is they have ear flaps... I wish I had ear flaps.

You're involved with a special person, but you find yourself attracted to someone else. You can't have both right? Wrong! Do one in your limo and the other in your luxurious apartment downtown. It works for me!