Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.

Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.

The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

It's true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I'm a practicing heterosexual, although bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

My brain: It's my second favorite organ.

I know it sounds horrible, but winning that Oscar for Annie Hall (1977) didn't mean anything to me.

To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

For some reason I'm more appreciated in France than I am back home. The subtitles must be incredibly good.

I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"—probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Regarding love... what can you say? It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things -- or who doesn't win them -- you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The... the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious", and it goes like this — I'm paraphrasing - um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.

There's an old joke... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life — full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness — and it's all over much too quickly.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I ... interestingly had, uh, dated ... a woman in the Eisenhower Administration ... briefly ... and, uh, it was ironic to me 'cause, uh . . . tsch . . . 'cause I was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years.

I wasn't away. And I'm not back. 'Match Point' was a film about luck, and it was a very lucky film for me. I did it the way I do all my pictures, and it just worked. I needed a rainy day, I got a rainy day. I needed sun, I got sun. Kate Winslet dropped out at the last moment because she wanted to be with her family, and Scarlett Johansson was available on two days' notice. It's like I couldn't ruin this picture no matter how hard I tried.

I never wanted movies to be an end. I wanted them to be a means so that I could have a decent life -- meet attractive women, go out on dates, live decently. Not opulently, but with some security. I feel the same way now. A guy like Spielberg will go live in the desert to make a movie, or Scorsese will make a picture in India and set up camp and live there for four months. I mean, for me, if I'm not shooting in my neighborhood, it's annoying. I have no commitment to my work in that sense. No dedication.