I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do! His last words.

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER. Telegram to the Friar's Club of Beverly Hills to which he belonged.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.

We should pull out. Which is what Nixon’s father should have done. On Vietnam.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

My favourite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days hath September" because it actually tells you something.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!

No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.