Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.
Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.
The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
It's true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
I'm a practicing heterosexual, although bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
My brain: It's my second favorite organ.
I know it sounds horrible, but winning that Oscar for Annie Hall (1977) didn't mean anything to me.
To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
For some reason I'm more appreciated in France than I am back home. The subtitles must be incredibly good.
I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"—probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Sex is only dirty if it's done right.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
God is either cruel or incompetent.
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
