Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.
Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.
The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
It's true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.
I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
God is either cruel or incompetent.
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things -- or who doesn't win them -- you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.
The... the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious", and it goes like this — I'm paraphrasing - um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.
There's an old joke... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life — full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness — and it's all over much too quickly.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Between air conditioning and the pope I take air conditioning.
