Standup Comic Quotes
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
(born Allen Stewart Königsberg, 1935-12-01) is an American film director, writer, musician, actor, and comedian.
» American Quotes
» Quotes by Writers
Sources by Woody Allen
Love and Death
Manhattan Murder Mystery
George Bernard Shaw
The Art of War
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Out of My Later Years
Pale Blue Dot
The Sirens of Titan
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