Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

There ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination.

I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.

Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.

What gets us into trouble is not what we don't know. It's what we know for sure that just ain't so.

The loud little handful will shout for war. The pulpit will warily and cautiously protest at first…The great mass of the nation will rub its sleepy eyes, and will try to make out why there should be a war, and they will say earnestly and indignantly: "It is unjust and dishonorable and there is no need for war." Then the few will shout even louder…Before long you will see a curious thing: anti-war speakers will be stoned from the platform, and free speech will be strangled by hordes of furious men who still agree with the speakers but dare not admit it ... Next, statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices.

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.

Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, and over these ideals they dispute and cannot unite -- but they all worship money.

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.