Jay Leno Quotes 19

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No, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

Jay Leno The Tonight Show

Monologue, 19 February 2007 (U.S. Presidents Day)

George-w-bush, Truth, Lie

You're not famous until my mother knows about it.

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh...it's as simple as that.

The Republicans are calling [this] a Wizard of Oz ticket... Cheney needs a heart, Bush needs a brain.

Jay Leno The Tonight Show

On the Republican presidential candidates.

Republican, Heart, Brain, George-w-bush

A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. [�] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.

Jay Leno The Tonight Show

Monologue, May 12, 2006

George-w-bush, America, People

He's described as the architect of the war on Iraq. And he should be very proud, because he's built something that's going to last for years and years.

Jay Leno The Tonight Show

President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those...it's called a window.

How many watched the President's speech last night?
[half-hearted audience applause]
How many watched American Idol?
[thundering applause]
Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.

Jay Leno The Tonight Show

Monologue, February 1, 2006

Audience, President, Government

And some sad news� the first lesbian couple to be legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.

Jay Leno The Tonight Show

Afterwards, President Bush said, "Maliki is the right man for the job." Just to remind you, Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld was the right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job� which would be okay if Bush was the right man for the job.

Jay Leno The Tonight Show

On the 30 November 2006 "breakfast summit" with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki

Job, George-w-bush, President

French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.

Jay Leno The Tonight Show

French, Surrender, Teaching

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That's because they are usually dead by age 40.

So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh� meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?".

Jay Leno The Tonight Show

Monologue, April 19, 2006

China, President, Meeting

Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. ... They won after France�s best player got ejected for head butting. That�s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years

Jay Leno The Tonight Show

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.

I see that Mike Tyson has just filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. It marks the first time that Mike Tyson has made it to Chapter 11 in anything.

Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.

On the now-defunct XFL

Jay Leno

Jay Leno (born April 28, 1950), comedian, host of The Tonight Show.

Nationality: American

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Occupation: Comedian

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